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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25929754">You never really cared, did you?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghostybrain/pseuds/Ghostybrain'>Ghostybrain</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Bully (Video Games)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>How Do I Tag, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 04:54:16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,188</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25929754</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghostybrain/pseuds/Ghostybrain</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Last year felt like a nightmare plucked straight from Peter’s psyche and seemingly just as easily forgotten. All of his daily classes chugged along on repeat and as Mr. Galloway tried to explain the basic literary devices in stories, Pete could feel his attention being pulled to the tall humanoid shaped thorn in his side. There he was, Gary Smith, sitting there scribbling notes in class like an ordinary student and not the person who threw the whole school into chaos.</p>
<p>Gary and Pete finally address the years worth of history and issues they have with each other. Will it finally resolve everything between them or will more questions and resentments arise? </p>
<p>I warn y'all now I have no idea how to work AO3. I'm learning as I go so, please be lenient with me.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Peter "Petey" Kowalski &amp; Gary Smith</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Onus and Odium</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>o·nus<br/>/ˈōnəs/<br/>noun<br/>used to refer to something that is one's duty or responsibility.</p>
<p>o·di·um<br/>/ˈōdēəm/<br/>noun<br/>general or widespread hatred or disgust directed toward someone as a result of their actions.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="u">
    <em>
      <strong>Pete: </strong>
    </em>
  </span>
</p>
<p>Last year felt like a nightmare plucked straight from Peter’s psyche and seemingly just as easily forgotten. All of his daily classes chugged along on repeat and as Mr. Galloway tried to explain the basic literary devices in stories, Pete could feel his attention being pulled to the tall humanoid shaped thorn in his side. There he was, Gary Smith, sitting there scribbling notes in class like an ordinary student and not the person who threw the whole school into chaos. Somehow his presence caused no more distress in his fellow students other than giving the scarred teen a wider berth than usual. It was jarring to see how quickly everyone accepted Gary being around again and went back to their usual routines.</p>
<p>Pete eyed Gary from across the classroom, not really looking at him, looking through him and finding only a tangled knot of his own muddled feelings towards the scarred teen. The only major difference that came from last year was hollow and pointed silence between the two boys. Their once predictable strange dynamic had gone out like a snuffed flame. Pete could recognize that Gary was probably still bitter and for the first month or two of school, Pete accepted the silence thinking it would be broken once Gary's resentment had time to settle.</p>
<p>It was December now and not a word had been communicated between them. No mercilessly cruel and unusual schemes, no sly quips, no crooked wicked smiles, not even any vile insults spattered at Pete- just worrying silence. This is what he wanted, he should want this, he reminded himself. Peter would never wish to return to being nothing more than Gary’s plaything. However, this silence felt less like an achievement and more of a bittersweet fallout.</p>
<p>When looking at him, it was hard not to see the years of history between them replaying again in Pete’s mind. The knot within him only further pulled taut in his throat and stomach. Looking back on everything was all tainted now, every good and bad memory might as well have been the same. From the moment Gary first interacted with Pete by sliding a small paper crane across the gap between their desks, to all the so-called pranks he pulled on everyone including Pete. It was all sour now in his mouth, so why was he longing for this time of so much pain and discomfort?</p>
<p>If Pete was being honest with himself, their relationship had been slowly crumbling for years. He didn't even remember when the first crack in the foundation of their relationship appeared but nothing had been the same since. The old memories prior to middle school all had this quality to them, feeling more like a dream than events that actually happened. It was hard to believe there was ever a time when Gary wasn't the insincere asshole he was now. The wavy-haired boy who once folded paper to his will instead of people, who climbed trees and not bell towers, who whispered instead of barking taunts, was gone. By the time Pete had noticed something was off everything was already set in motion.</p>
<p>The bell rang, forcing Pete out of his thoughts as he made his way out of class. It was the end of the class and thus a flood of teenage bodies made their way out of the main building. Pete blended into the sea of people with a considerable distance between him and Gary. As Gary walked towards the exit, he was quickly flanked by Lola who jumped immediately into some sort of fantastic story judging by how fast her mouth was moving and how seemingly enraptured the tall teen was in her words. Pete's emotional knots were now strangling his heart and lungs as he watched these two strangers get along with more grace and affection than he and Gary ever did in the years they knew each other. When did Lola ever talk to Gary anyway? Was it all a scheme? Some passive-aggressive ploy to hurt him further in some act of revenge? Was there a bigger plan at play and Lola was just another pawn?</p>
<p>He walked the halls silently while more nagging questions clawed him from the inside out, he felt foolish for indulging them, but that didn't stop the inevitable flow of doubts. Was Gary genuinely done? Was whatever relationship they had permanently over without any sense of closure? Why was he so bothered by this? Why couldn't he just let this toxic asshole go? Gary wasn't consistent with anything, his principles and actions always in flux, so why was it shocking to see him being civil to someone he once insulted vilely? Gary was a hypocritical contrarian, expecting him to follow some sort of rational logic that others could understand was like expecting a fish to fly. Continuing to question Gary as though he would ever fully make sense was a foolish pursuit.</p>
<p>He guessed he must be a fool, if not for thinking all these things, he certainly felt like one for spending years with someone like Gary in some pitiful attempt at pseudo friendship. Oh, he had a full list of excuses back then for why he stayed with Gary when questioned, but if Pete was being honest with himself the only real reason he kept going back to Gary was foolhardy hope and desperation. A man is not an island and in Bullworth having anyone on your side meant at least some semblance of safety. Running around with the town sociopath meant that no one really messed with him for fear of Gary's retaliation. Then there was the hardest to face and admit fact. The fact that he genuinely believed he could change Gary. In time, he would treat him right if he was just loyal enough and gave him enough kindness. Towards the end of their relationship, Pete gave up his hope only to stay out of a fear of loneliness and a desperate need to have just one person on his side as he walked the hall.</p>
<p>Nowadays he was fairly content to walk the halls by himself, Jimmy keeping the cliques in line had a few perks but he had to admit he missed the company. He didn't want power or popularity, meaning as Jimmy acquired more the further Pete was driven away. Pete only ever wanted to have normal high school experiences and one maybe two friends to share them with. For a moment he thought he had that and then it all left as quickly as it came. He was mostly alone now and yes he was okay with it but he had to admit he missed when both Jimmy and Gary at least pretended to get along and be friends.</p>
<p>Pete kept walking to the dorms noting Gary and Lola were heading off-campus somewhere. He didn’t know what was going on but he knew whatever it was, it wasn’t good. Gary never associated with people he viewed as below him unless there was an ulterior motive at play. If it were anyone else this would have been the moment he doubted himself and wondered if he was being just paranoid as Gary often was. However, there was that nagging fear that he would do last year over again like some terrible groundhog day. There was a part of his mind that always felt partially responsible for all that happened. He knew he shouldn't feel that way, Gary’s actions were his own, but his conscience gnawed away at him every time he looked back on the whole incident for too long.</p>
<p>He knew Gary the longest, he knew about his periods of calm before his periods of isolation or meltdown. He should have seen it all coming and done something. He was so distracted trying to seek friendship from a new person and his own life that it was easy to ignore all the signs. Over and over he tried to remind himself- all of last year was not his fault, even if he did try something, there was no guarantee that Gary would have stopped or that it wouldn't have spurred him to do further harm. Gary would have probably seen any attempt to help or reach out as some sort of dig or slight so there was no point... This cycle of reminding himself of the probability of failure didn't ease the burden of partial culpability. His mind kept telling him he didn't know for sure because he never even tried, what kind of friend was he that he didn't even warn or make an attempt to stop him from hurting himself and others? Gary may have been a shitty friend but what kind of friend was he?</p>
<p>He stopped his mind from wandering that path any longer, corralling it back into focus. Pete entered his dorm and collapsed onto his bed, burying his face into his pillow as he thought of his next steps. Gary wasn't actively doing anything right now, but his behavior of isolation and associating with strange people was a sign of worse to come. This time Pete wasn't going to repeat the same oversight as last time. He was going to do something or say something this time, even if it was all an act of futility it would be something. His conscience wouldn't have to keep the pointless mission of yearning for something different, some sort of relationship devoid of pain from someone like Gary fucking Smith. He wouldn’t feel so guilty…. He hoped.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Tu Quoque</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Things looking different from the other side. Gary is getting used to being out of Happy Volts and to his new normal.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Gary<br/>Lola’s near-constant useless chatter filled the silence of her room between the two as Gary raked his senses across the room yet again. He was slowly getting used to her level of disorganized chaos so full of unusual textures, smells, and sights so different from his own. The room smelled of old cigarettes, perfume, laundry detergent, and old lust he assumed. He couldn’t quite place it all but it made the air thick and have an almost physical quality. Every time he entered her room, he debated whether to open the window or run away into the nearest shower. However, as he sat on her bed and ran his fingers across her red fleece blankets, he felt strangely more comfortable here than he ever did in most places. He felt like he wasn’t the weirdest person to have inhabited the space for once. </p>
<p>As Lola carried on her very one-sided conversation, Gary paid attention even further to the exact color that seemed to dominate Lola’s every possession aside from her clothes. Everything was cherry wine red, summoning all of Gary’s memories to various points in his life- from eating cherries with Petey and spitting out the pits, to blood slowly oozing from his eyebrow in the accident. It all swelled like a sea of memories, but like an island, one stuck out from the rest. It was only really a few months ago, but it might as well have been years at this point. His sense of time always found a way of distorting, stretching, or contracting depending on how his mind viewed the passage of time at any given moment. </p>
<p>He was in Happy Volts within his therapist’s office staring at all of the various pictures of what looked like other asylums in black and white photography. Gary tapped his fingers on the arm of the red leather chair he was sitting in, hoping the dense silence between him and the calm gentle black man in front of him would end. However, Dr. Roland made no sounds or attempts to speak, he waited patiently like he had all the time in the world for Gary. His focus was undivided and consistent, unrelenting no matter how much Gary kept his eyes trained away from the doctor. This was different from his usual song and dance of berating, manipulating, backstabbing, blackmailing, fake compliance, anything he had needed to do in the past in order to ensure a quick release and even quicker lack of supervision. Unfortunately for Gary, he already tried, and failed, all of those usual techniques early on into his stay at the asylum. Dr. Roland had already called his previous therapists, counselors, and psychiatrists and knew Gary's game before he did. That was all out of his system now and he sat there with only one route forward left actually getting treatment. <br/>Gary sighed, ”So how's this supposed to work?” </p>
<p>”I sit, you sit, we talk about whatever you feel like talking about.” Dr. Roland explained in his deep baritone which would make him sound calming to someone else but it made Gary feel sluggish.</p>
<p>”Like what?” </p>
<p>”Whatever you want” </p>
<p>”You want me to whine about my father?” Gary wryly quipped.</p>
<p>”Do you want to whine about your father?” the doctor replied calmly, sounding genuine. </p>
<p>”I could tell you about the time I was five and my little beta fish died.” Gary once again not giving a serious response choosing to instead deflect with dry humor. </p>
<p>”If that's where you'd like to start.” </p>
<p>”Tons of things happened to me, how do I know which one actually matters?” Gary bit back in response. </p>
<p>”As far as I'm concerned they all matter.” </p>
<p>”Well we better get moving because this session could take years and I want to be back in school by August” Gary rolled his eyes in annoyance feeling this was a fruitless venture like all the other attempts to treat him. </p>
<p>”Yes, you are the sum of everything that has happened to you. Some events are more relevant than others but the only method we have to figure out which ones are is to talk. So tell me, what's on your mind?” There was a short pause between them before the more important question came.</p>
<p>”What do you want, Gary?” </p>
<p>Gary's eyes maintained their laser focus on the rug below him. ” I want to get better, whatever that means. I want to stop...being... I don't know...this. I want to stop being this burden or monster to everyone even when I'm not trying to be. I'm tired of being miserable and hurting when I should be ok.” Gary swallowed any further comment down before more came bubbling up to the surface. It felt like word vomit, like an emotional kidney stone had just passed and now he was forced to look at it. </p>
<p>Lola came out of the closet with a dress in each hand and Gary finally pulled his attention back to the present. ”Okay so which one do you think I should wear?” There was a simple elegant black dress in one hand and a more risque red 1950s style dress in the other. Gary looked at both dresses and found himself looking at Lola with confusion. Why was he deciding? He didn't know anything about this date or what was appropriate for a first date. </p>
<p>”What am I supposed to be picking for?”</p>
<p>”Look I already told you I'm going on a date with that Bryce guy.”</p>
<p>”Isn’t he sleeping with Vance? Which you have told me all about ad nauseam.”</p>
<p>”Yes, but I like free meals way more than I care about someone else's relationship politics. Besides they're clearly going through a rough patch because Bryce just won't admit he likes guys and girls. Then there's the little fact that I'm not exactly Vance’s best friend since the whole Johnny thing.” Lola explained in her usual very honest way. However, Gary noted that for someone who claimed to be so above being hurt by men, Lola never called her break up with Johnny a breakup. It was just ”a thing” that happened and not something Gary watched unfold and had to help her pick up the pieces of after. </p>
<p>”Speaking of free food, you know the arrangement, Smith. I scratched your back.”</p>
<p>Gary looked around the room for a moment, “I thought this was me returning the favor.” </p>
<p>“You know damn well that information I gave you was worth way more than some fashion advice. I only invited you over because it was obvious you had nothing better to do.” <br/>Gary chewed on his lower lip as he debated giving into her demands, but Gary knew fair was fair. Sighing, he reached down into his backpack and pulled out the Tupperware full of leftovers. It wasn’t much, just some Indian takeout he got last night from a place he found a while back. Gary didn’t even have time to explain what it was before Lola snatched it away, vibrating in giddy glee. Gary would be upset if he didn’t know where her love of free food came from and why she started her track record of “dates”. </p>
<p>She was a child of neglect, plain and simple. Her parents were gone days at a time doing lord knows what coming home lord knows when. Meaning, she was the only one home when bills came rolling in and she was the only one who had to deal with the consequences when the power and water got shut off. Before the breakup, she would run to Johnny in the tenements and wait for her parents to eventually fix the problem but there were times when things were rocky between them and Johnny wouldn’t want to see her. Gary began talking to her during one of their longer rough patches. No one else seemed to notice, but she looked thinner than normal, sleep-deprived, and generally worse for wear. Gary didn’t do charity or friendships at the time, but somehow her situation struck something deep inside of him. He knew what it was like to be left to the wolves by people who were supposed to love and care for you. His only saving grace was that his ”family” had the sense not to be so obvious in their negligence, and had resources Gary could pull from when shit hit the fan. Gary knew Lola had too much pride to take any help from “the Bullworth sociopath“ without some sort of strings attached so their arrangement began. It was simple, you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours type of deal, during his plot she was instrumental in getting the greasers into the fold and messing with the preps. Gary assumed it was only the reliable food that kept her from immediately purging him from her life. When he came back after Happy Volts, there she was reminding him he owed her big time. </p>
<p>“Helloooo, earth to Smith, come in Smith. If you’re just gonna ignore me all evening you can do that in your dorm.” Lola interrupted, ”What's up with you being lost in space all the time? Does it have something to do with your ex?” </p>
<p>Gary gave her a disgusted quizzical look, ”My ex?” </p>
<p>Lola sat next to him in her underwear, still pondering the dresses.”You know, that little guy who always tails you and stares at you. Wears a lot of pinks, cute in a small and cuddly kinda way. I think his name was-”</p>
<p>”Me and Pete!” Gary blurted out before laughing his ass off at the sheer absurdity of that notion. ”No, God no, that's both pathetic and disgusting. He wishes, but no we were never a thing.” </p>
<p>”Then was he your friend or something?” Lola probed further leaning her head to the side with her hands on her hips giving Gary a quizzical expression.</p>
<p>”No...well…we weren't... It's complicated, ” Honestly, Gary would do anything to avoid this conversation. He would rather eat his own foot than try to think about much less discuss Pete and whatever happened between the two. It was a Lovecraftian pseudo-relationship, a real beast of its own kind, the more you tried to tease out what it was the more it confounded any logical thought. </p>
<p>”Why is every relationship you seem to have with people complicated or impossible for you to explain?” Lola was clearly referring not just to Peter but also to their relationship and Gary's familial ties. He couldn't really tell her. He's never had a simple relationship, not that he hadn't tried, but it seemed that nothing could ever stay simple and easy in his life. It seemed like the longer anything stayed in his orbit the more things morphed into something unrecognizable to normal people. He never really knew what a simple relationship was like and at this point, he wouldn't know how to start one or even maintain what little healthy normalcy he could get his hands on. </p>
<p>” I don't know, it takes two to tango, why don't you ask Pete about what happened between us? Try as he might deny it, he played his part in all this.The little bastard may want to play all innocent and blame me for everything but he's just as much of an asshole as I am. I just have the balls to admit it and not play dumb about the hurt I caused.” There his big fat mouth went again. </p>
<p>Lola remained silent after Gary's spiel, choosing to stand up to lay her dresses on her bed and pick that way. This left Gary alone again with his thoughts. He tried to will himself to stay in the moment not to move onto a Pete-related emotional tangent he would hate himself for getting on. Gary caressed the cheap red fleece again trying to summon literally any other thought of any other person into his mind. But try as he might force his mind to do what he wanted it was self-sabotaging through and through. He scowled as memories of his childhood experiences with Pete repeated themselves. He always felt like he was right there again literally reliving it, it wasn’t a memory it was a fractured reality his mind had flashed him into just because Pete’s name was mentioned. It was always small shit like that set it off, certain sounds, upsetting smells, colors, even food wasn’t untouched. </p>
<p>There he was again, 9 years old only recently got his diagnosis of ADHD and put on medication but somehow the whole school heard and spread the rumor he was a sociopath before he had any chance to fight it. It was recess he was looking for his best friend Pete. They had been friends for two years at this point, Gary had gone over to Pete's house and played with him all the time at this point. Gary loved Pete and saw him as a brother. He would make Peter little origami butterflies and rabbits now that he knew how to. In fact, he held a very special origami creation in his hand that he was planning to give Peter. As he walked to their usual meeting place he accidentally eavesdropped a conversation between Pete and another child. He didn't even fully remember the whole conversation but he remembered the main gist of it all. This kid was telling Peter Gary was some sort of crazy person who was ”going to snap one day” and if he was smart he should leave him. Pete didn't fight for Gary. Pete didn't correct him. Pete didn't defend Gary. He just half-heartedly told the kid to leave before Gary saw him, which scared the little kid away. Unfortunately, the idiot bumped right into Gary in the process and only then realized what he had done. He kept running. </p>
<p>Gary might not have remembered what was said, but he remembered how it all made him feel. He remembered running back into class and ripping the pink origami dragon he made Pete to shreds in a fit of anger, frustration, and betrayal. After recess, Pete acted as though nothing happened and that just poured salt into the wounds. <br/>If it just ended there Gary would laugh at himself for being ridiculous in holding a grudge like that for so long but no, Peter’s list of subtle betrayals stacked up over time. When Gary started to pull away from him after that Pete began running his mouth calling him a snake behind his back. Still acting as though he was Gary's best friend to his face. When Gary got frustrated and left him alone at recess, Pete was quick to try to garner sympathy from others hoping to get new friends through pity. Too bad that when you reveal yourself to be the type of person who talks behind your friends back, other people don't want to be your friend. Next, there were the slurs directed at others but that hurt Gary in the process, the subtle jabs at his disorder, Pete’s ableism rearing its ugly head. Then his mom died when he was 12, the only adult he ever cared about, gone. Grief made him pull away from everyone, made him isolate himself because he needed time and space to process. But there was forever clingy Pete who didn't know how to respect that and that's when their relationship changed forever, that's when Gary hit him for the first time.”What does your mom have to do with this?” Years worth of anger, resentment, and betrayal that once stayed bubbling quietly below the surface now shot out of him like a dormant volcano finally releasing years of pent up magma. He should have stopped there, left him then, and ended the toxic cycle before it went too far. </p>
<p>Why didn't he? Why did he let it get that bad? Why did he allow himself to become the villain in this situation? Pete was an oblivious selfish backstabbing asshole who only cared about his emotional needs being met and not his so-called friend’s clear hurt, but Gary shouldn't have let Pete hurt him so much. Why did he let himself be corrupted so easily but an insufferable pink leech and his ridiculous emotional jabs? </p>
<p>All of it just upset Gary, he could feel his shoulders starting to ache from the tension. His fingernails dug little crescents into his palm even through the fleece blanket. It pulled him back to the present and out of the septic tank of memory. He looked back to Lola who had gotten dressed during Gary’s unfortunate walk through memory lane. She looked great, she always did, but the black sleek dress hugged her svelte curves accentuating them nicely. </p>
<p>“I see you looking, Smith. Am I gonna have to start telling you to wait outside the room?” she teased <br/>”Pfft, please you're not my type anyway, I'm just glad you finally made a decision without my help.” </p>
<p>”You have a type, Smith? Really, who's your ”type”?”</p>
<p>Gary took a moment to think about it closing his eyes, he tried to summon the image of an ideal partner into his mind. All he got was a vaguely humanoid shape that looked like it was cloaked in a gray misty fog with only two piercing brown eyes staring back at him through the haze. They bore into him, but they weren’t intimidating or angry, they looked into him and seemed to actually like what they saw. Their eyes were full of curiosity, excitement, and desire or at least that was Gary’s interpretation of them. Gary figured he probably looked ridiculous closing his eyes and actually trying to think about a question that shouldn’t have taken this long to answer.</p>
<p>“No one, no one in Bullworth anyway. Everyone here is human garbage.” Gary finally answered with his usual flippant tone. </p>
<p>“Oh really? I think you just aren’t telling me because your type isn’t pretty girls like me. I think your type is boys who take your orders well.” </p>
<p>Gary cringed and eye-rolled at her and her cheap excuse for humor. “Oh I’m sorry princess that I’m the only man in your life who doesn’t hump your leg like a dog. That must be such a difficult adjustment for you.” </p>
<p>Lola was ready to launch some sort of tactless quip when Gary's watch blinked and beeped loudly at him. It was time for him to go to the dorms, take his meds, cleanse himself of Lola's cheap perfume, and try to go to sleep. Try being the keyword. </p>
<p>”Welp, this whole assuming my sexuality conversation is going to have to wait, see you later Lola. Hope your fake date goes well. I gotta go.” He announced before leaving the room and heading towards the door. He kept his eyes trained down to the floor as he put on his snow boots, thick winter jacket, and beanie for the New England winter chill. </p>
<p>“Are ya just gonna leave your backpack here?” Lola called out from the hallway for Gary.</p>
<p>After picking up his backpack he began his trudging walk through the snow. His exposed face felt flushed and stung in the nipping cold. He stuffed his hands into his pockets cursing himself for forgetting his gloves, his eyes scanned New Coventry and he made his way back to Bullworth Academy. As he slowly walked through the dense snow he noted children running and throwing snowballs at each other in splendid winter glee. Just like lightning, more thoughts and memories of his own childhood struck him like all the snowballs he threw at Pete as a child. Once again, a cacophony of bittersweet conflicted emotions clutched at his throat. He buried his face as deep as he could into his puffy winter jacket and tried to keep moving forward. The questions came back up in his mind again. Why? Why did he stay for so long when all either of them did was hurt each other?<br/>As he thought about it he kept finding a plethora of excuses and justifications but, none of them felt right or explained any of the real causes. Sure, he saw it as the toxic cycle it was now, with time and space away from it and the emotional capacity to make a better choice. He remembered a  bullshit letter Pete had somehow managed to get to him in Happy Volts full of fake concern and kindness just like all his usual platitudes sent clearly just because the backstabbing liar felt guilty, not out of any real sense of caring just because he knew he did something wrong and rather than correct it he just sent a shitty letter to soothe himself not Gary. He nearly sent one back so full of verbal jabs and spite that it would make even the most painful arguments Gary had with his family look like genuine love and kindness. However, he stopped himself, he never sent it, he finally had the time and space to think before he acted instead of acting out of impulse and anger. He was done with this narrative, he was tired of the cycle, and so he just ripped Pete’s letter and let it die. He was done being the villain, the sociopath, he was done being miserable. The only real reason he could find for staying was when the whole world was tearing him down every step of the way. It was nice to be the one doing the tearing for once. Sure, Pete was his own kind of messed up and treated Gary like dirt while pretending to be his friend, but Gary didn’t have to let him anymore. Gary didn't have to keep it going by stabbing back, by only giving more fuel and evidence to Pete and all the other assholes who labeled him as a monster before they even really knew him. </p>
<p>Finally, after what felt like a white eternity of walking through the snow-covered streets of Bullworth and the Academy, he finally made it back inside the boy's dormitory. The heat hit him like he had just opened an oven, he wanted to shed all of his layers right there but he forced himself to make the effort of walking upstairs to his dorm. As he made his way, he passed Pete's dorm, and once again his mind was consumed with thoughts all tethered to Pete in all that was and never will be. <br/>He climbed the stairs and rounded the corner into his dorm avoiding all the other boys clogging the hallways in the process. As he entered his room he looked around at his surroundings taking in his space once more, feeling more at ease than he had felt in a long time. He finally got his own dorm this year, Gary could be fully alone. Sure, Crabblesnitch made it clear the only reason he had this room was for the sake of ”safety for and from fellow students”, but Gary didn't care, let his stupid inaccurate sociopath label do some good for once. Gary shed his winter coat and boots immediately and put them in their proper places. Most wouldn't know it, but Gary did keep everything fairly clean and neat. Sure there were bits of controlled clutter on his desk and nightstand of work and readings he had abandoned or simply set aside but for the most part, his room was as clean as the day he moved in. Gary continued to go about his evening time routine trying desperately to focus on something not related to some terrible recent event or terrible person in his life. It all felt like a terrible game of pinball, his brain would bounce from what he needed to do, to trivial observations, useless facts he collected over the years, and then it would remind him of something and he was back in the rabbit hole. He couldn't even brush his teeth in peace. As he still remembered when a guard would watch him brush his teeth and shower just in case he did something reckless. He still wasn't used to having even this limited freedom. He wasn't used to this precarious peace he had unintentionally built for himself that he hadn't experienced before...ever as far as he could remember. His bed squeaked and sagged under his weight as he settled for a night of not sleeping. </p>
<p>The letter came back up in his mind like an annoying itch that wouldn't stop itching no matter what Gary did. All contact ceased since that letter he put an end to it, why was it bothering him? Why was it bothering him now? </p>
<p>...He missed it. It disgusted him to admit it, but he missed the friendship. He at least missed the times when it wasn't just antagonistic but an actual genuine platonic bond. That bond had been severed years ago, slowly crumbling like Rome and the memory of glory. He missed the times when Gary would take Pete's hand and drag him to new parts of Bullworth they never been to before. The little moments where things felt like they were going to be that good forever. </p>
<p>Pete’s letter and the words came back to the forefront of his mind again. I'm sorry things turned out this way, Gary knew that was bullshit Pete was probably so glad he never had to look his mistakes in the face and that everything was hunky-dory for him. Gary had to stare at his failures and mistakes every time he looked in the mirror, but no Pete got off scot-free every time. I hope you're alright, more bullshit, Pete just hoped Gary didn't hold him accountable for all he did against him. I wish things were different, No, Pete just wished he didn't feel guilty about how things are now. If it wasn't for his desire to pretend to be a good person he would be fine. His hypocrisy was eating at him. The stupid letter was about soothing Pete's mind, convincing himself he was still in the right and still a good person. This was about Pete, every action Pete took had always been about that, the only difference now is Gary can see it. Pete may have called Gary every name in the book and all the stupid idiots of Bullworth would believe him, but at least Gary was honest about what kind of person he was. He wasn’t trying to convince himself and others that he was better than he was. He knew he was an asshole who hurt people’s feelings and tried to take over everything, but Peter was still trying to have it both ways to be an asshole but be seen as a saint. </p>
<p>Gary sighed and accepted that he was going to have to take some sort of medicine in order to sleep tonight. His progress would have to be undone tonight if he didn’t want to feel like a walking corpse tomorrow. He pulled out the medicine bottle and popped a safe dose that put him in a dreamless deep sleep. He got comfortable tossing and turning as he waited for the medication to kick in. His mind drifted again but this time he shut it down simply, he made mistakes, that’s alright, that’s okay, in the end, this separation was better for him and that’s the moral of the story. He fucked up, he learned, and now he’s done and getting better no matter what happens or what anyone says that’s what he’s working for, nothing else. His eyelids drifted and slowly, like a wave cresting a shore, Gary fell asleep.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A big thank you to Jasper for helping me edit my ramblings.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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